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Feathered Friends or Feathered Fiends?

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by an Anonymous Source

Our school has long been associated with the sound of seagulls and the traces they leave. Some students, however, believe that these birds might be more sinister than they seem. More than just a nuisance, the birds flocking at MBHS could represent a secretive ploy by the government or other groups.
Chase Kautz, a senior, reports “I’ve seen the birds doing some weird stuff. All at once, during class, they’ll stop making noise in perfect unison as if to listen in to what students are saying.” Some think the birds work for the White House, like senior Anna Grace Dicus who told Spyglass “Seagulls are just spies for the government.”
“Seagulls are cray cray,” says Kinley Flaherty. Others are suspicious that the MBHS bird man is in “on the secret.” An anonymous source reported that it seems like the birds are unaffected by his actions.
One student says the birds are most likely “surveillance devices.” Mr. Kautz, on the other hand, says they might be “espionage robots controlled by the Kremlin.” He adds, “there just isn’t enough evidence against these allegations for me to dismiss them.”
“I just don’t like the fact that they can fly. There’s always just there, watching me,” says an anonymous student. “And who gives them the right? Is someone whispering in their ear? They probably rigged the election. And also pooping on students has to be intentional, there’s so much other surface areas on the earth.” Other students believe the birds share a link to big brands, such a freshman Eli Bell, who commented “I’ve looked into the eyes of the seagulls and what I saw were not the eyes of a living thing. What stared back at me was the eyes of corporate America and the government.”
Another anonymous source reports being hit in the head by an errant gull. “It’s these behaviors that concern me,” she says, “the way they intrude on our lives.” Camille, another senior, disputes these claims. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. If anything, it would be the school board.” Likewise, student Zoë Linstrom says, “I want to believe that there’s an actual conspiracy going on but I’m worried if I do, it will all be wrong.” Some have found logical discrepancies with such ideas, such as senior Abby Fugle, “What conspiracy? Why would [the district] send seagulls if they would just have to pay for the hawk?”
Beyond our school, suspicions have arisen towards feathered friends. A social media campaign entitled “Birds aren’t real” has captured the attention of many. According to the website for the phenomenon, the complex conspiracy has roots back to the CIA in 1959.
In a classroom poll, it was found over 50% of the student body has suspicions towards the birds.
Regardless of whether the conspiracies hold any truth, students seem interested in learning more about the seagulls. In the meantime, the Spyglass recommends keeping a lookout for any suspicious behavior of our seemingly increasing bird populace. We also recommend remaining covered when possible and walking quickly while crossing the quad.

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