By MS. EBEN
Dr. Pruitt was recently rejected from an exclusive Yearbook party. Only people who have purchased a yearbook can attend, and Dr. Pruitt has not yet purchased his. Ryan Mammarella, English teacher who maintains a side job as a bouncer, checked the list – not once, but twice. Dr. Pruitt was not admitted either time and became agitated. His large arms bulged in fury while his face became contoured with rage.
WHAT WAS THIS PARTY, YOU ASK? Well, no one knows – wait, FAYE VAVRA says she does know. WHAT DOES FAYE KNOW?
FAYE, “IT’S A YEARBOOK PARTY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE PURCHASED A YEARBOOK. THERE WILL BE A BOUNCY HOUSE, FOOD, MUSIC, GAMES, AND AREAS TO SIGN YOUR YEARBOOKS WITH YOUR FRIENDS”
PARTY OF THE YEAR FAQ
Q: WHAT IS A BOUNCE HOUSE?
A: A BOUNCE HOUSE IS A PLASTIC CONTRAPTION IN WHICH AIR IS ADDED FORCEFULLY TO CREATE TENSION OF A BOUNCY NATURE. HUMANS CRAWL IN THROUGH A MINISCULE HOLE, WHICH IS UNFORTUNATELY IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOK COOL DOING.
Q: WAIT, I BET I COULD LOOK COOL CRAWLING THROUGH THE HOLE.
A: YOU CANNOT.
Q: DO I HAVE TO TAKE OFF MY SHOES?
A: ONLY IF YOU’RE WEARING THEM.
Q: WHAT DO I DO ONCE I’M INSIDE?
A: YOU BEND YOUR KNEES THEN PUSH YOUR FEET OFF THE GROUND. YOU SHOULD ELEVATE LIKE A SPRING CHICKEN. TRY YOUR BEST – IT’S DIFFICULT THE FIRST TIME.
Q: DO YOU HAVE TO PAY TO EXPERIENCE THE JOY OF BOUNCING?
A: NO, BUT MS. EBEN WILL BE ACCEPTING DONATIONS OF $42 ON YOUR WAY IN – REMEMBER, YOU WON’T LOOK COOL.
Q: THE VIDEO SAID PIZZA – IT ONLY MENTIONED 3 TYPES. WILL THERE BE MORE?
A: WE CANNOT DISCLOSE THAT INFORMATION. MOST LIKELY NOT.
Q: WHAT’S IN THE PETTING ZOO?
A: WE DON’T KNOW, MAYBE JUST GRASS.
Q: I HEARD ALBERTSON’S JOE IS MAKING AN APPEARANCE. IS THAT TRUE?
A: AT THIS TIME, WE ARE UNABLE TO CONFIRM IF JOE OF ALBERTSONS WILL OR WILL NOT ATTEND. WE HAVE OFFICIALLY INVITED HIM, YET HEARD NO RESPONSE. WE ARE HOPING HE WILL COME THROUGH.
Q: WAIT, WHY WOULDN’T JOE OF ALBERTSON’S COME? WE GIVE HIM SO MUCH BUSINESS WITH OUR CHICKEN STRIP PURCHASES.
A: ALTHOUGH WE AGREE COMPLETELY, WE ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF ALBERTSON’S JOE’S ACTIONS. HE IS A PERSON WITH FREE WILL.
Q: WHEN IS THE PARTY?
A: IN TWO-THIRDS A MOON OR TEN PERCENT OF A BEAR HIBERNATION OR TWENTY-ONE SLEEPS. OR ON MAY 23rd DURING LUNCH.
Q: AM I IN THE YEARBOOK?
A: DUH.
Q: WHY SHOULD I GO?
A: YOU WILL BE TRANSPORTED VIA THE MAGIC OF BOUNCING BACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD. YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE, AND THE YEARBOOK WILL BE EVERYTHING YOU HOPED.
AND ALSO, “BE THERE OR BE SQUARE” – FAYE VAVRA.
