How Girl Code Destroys Female Solidarity

The first time I heard of the concept of “Girl Code” was in fourth grade. After I had informed my friend that I had developed a crush on a boy in our class, she looked repulsed and said, “You can’t like him! *Redacted* used to like him!”

At first, I remember thinking, “Okay, big deal! He has an Xbox he brings to school, and he can do cool tricks on the monkey bars! Of course, we’re all going to like him… but then my friend said something that stuck with me for years… “it goes against girl code.”

The phrase “girl code” rang in my ears all day; it was haunting, but at the same time, I liked knowing it. It felt cool, like a secret book of rules that I was being let in on. The next day, when the boy tried to talk to me at recess, I had skipped away. If I hadn’t learned about “girl code” a day earlier, I likely would have sat down with him, maybe split a Lunchable, but I didn’t, because that would be a betrayal of my entire gender. 

However, as I’ve grown into the wise 17-year-old young lady I am, I’ve realized that it’s quite the opposite, that abiding by a so-called “girl code” is ridiculous and in fact rejects female solidarity and indirectly centers men, the very things that it stands to be against.

“Girl code” as a phrase was originally coined in the 1970s, when the second wave of feminism took place, generally referring to an almost unspoken set of ethical laws amongst women and girls, placing emphasis on the idea of loyalty and specific boundaries. Most often, it highlights the concept of placing more value on one’s female friendships as opposed to one’s romantic pursuits, which sounds perfect in theory. However, the concept still has its issues.

Firstly, the “girl code” mindset perpetuates male-centered thinking. While it’s intended to form an intense bond between women, it, in fact, separates them, as the entire concept stems from a need to compete for men. The very rules of girl code surround controlling women’s actions when it comes to interactions with men, which unintentionally and indirectly places too much importance on the men in the equation, treating them as some sort of great prize to be won. This notion pits women against each other and is a complete breeding ground for self-hatred. “My friend can’t date him because I used to date him, really,” really translates to, “What about her made me not the first option?” It’s insecurity masquerading as sisterhood.

The idea of Girl Code is undeniably wonderful. I mean, women supporting one another under all circumstances? Sign me up! However, over time, it’s evolved into a complete toxic mess, one that fosters female hatred instead of female camaraderie.